BREAKING
LOCAL GENIUS SUSPENDED FOR REVOLUTIONARY CULINARY INNOVATION •
WEATHER: SCATTERED TWINKIES WITH 100% CHANCE OF MINTY FRESHNESS •
STOCKS: TOOTHPASTE SHARES SOAR AFTER SCHOOL CAFETERIA INCIDENT •
SPORTS: SHARKY DINKS WORLD TOUR SELLS OUT IN 0.3 SECONDS •
SCIENCE: EXPERTS CONFIRM "IT'S NON-TOXIC" •
BREAKING: LITTLE SUE REPORTEDLY STILL MINTY •
ENTERTAINMENT: PRINCIPAL THUNDERED BUT SOURCES SAY "THE LOGIC WAS ROUNDED" •
LOCAL DAD SPOTTED SUPPRESSING HILARIOUS SIGH AT BURGER BAR